My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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