Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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