I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
