I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
