If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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