I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I have demons in me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
