tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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