oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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