I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
