his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
