yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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