Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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