toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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