There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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