do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
sarcasm needs its own font
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
