I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
