i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
