I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
