Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
