he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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