She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Randomize
