I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
