Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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