Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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