if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
