Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
