smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
