my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
