I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
