Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
