she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
