I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
