Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
