I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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