the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
