Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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