i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
