i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
