i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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