first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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