I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
