Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
two words...techno handjob
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
