I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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