now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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