Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
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I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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