I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I cut my penus on the lid.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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