You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
