They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
