She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
