I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
