He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
