Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
