So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
