I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
