Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
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Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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