Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
