I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
