I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
