I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
