Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
