dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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